Joke S5-002 Quick Jokes

Quick Jokes

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Robin Williams get up Jokes.

Why do they decision it hour once nothing moves?

God gave men each a member and a brain, however sadly not enough blood provide to run each at constant time.

Never choose a fight with an unsightly person, they have nothing to lose.

Politics: Poli, a Latin that means|word sense|acceptation|sense|signified} many; and tics meaning, bloodsucking creatures.

In England, if you commit a criminal offense, the police do not have a gun and you do not have a gun. If you commit a criminal offense, the police can say Stop, or i will say stop once more.

Cocaine is God's means of claiming you make an excessive amount of cash.

No Matter what individuals tell you, words and ideas will amendment the globe.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Spring is natures means of claiming..."Lets Party".

Ahhh Yes, divorce from the Latin sense to tear out a man's genitalia through his notecase.

Do you suppose God gets stoned? i believe thus cross-check the duckbill.

If it is the Psychic Network why do they have a phone number?

If ladies ran the globe we tend to would not have wars, simply intense negotiations each twenty eight days.

My God. We've had biological research within the South for years. It's known as cousins.

You'll notice that Bush ne'er speaks once Cheney is drink.

You could mention duet, however those that are married (say) 'It's constant sex all the time.

Robin Williams on J Leno Show concerning (Clinton,Iraq/Monica Lewinsky)
"You've have to be compelled to provide the guy some slack- he is caught between Al-Iraq and a sexual arousal."

Robin Williams Movie/TV Quotes

The Crazy Ones (2013-2014) (Simon Roberts)

Mitch: [Sydney accidentally hit another car] Why do not you tell your married woman to be a lot of careful?
Simon Roberts: My wife? however dare you! that is my daughter! though, my second married woman was her age, thus I withdraw my anger.

Simon Roberts: i am able to pitch them the reality. "Australia: it is so hot not even the Nazis wished it".

Zach Cropper: [on Australia] Simon, God knows, if you are hating on one thing, we wish to be right there with you, okay, however they gave United States of America Noemi Watts.
Simon Roberts: yea, however they conjointly gave United States of America The Wiggles, that is barely gratifying if you are high. And what quite message is that for kids?

Simon Roberts: it absolutely was sort of a candy-land urban center.

The Angriest Man in Brooklyn (2014) (Henry Altmann)

Henry Altmann: [at Sharon] You told American state i used to be gonna die in ninety minutes, as a result of your cat jumped out a window?

Bette Altmann: Henry, what is going on on?
Henry Altmann: we've got to own sex, immediately! i do not have lots of your time...

Old Dogs (2009) (Dan)

Dan: Whoa. will this drink escort a diving board? It's insane!

Zach: i believe "scat" is poop.
Dan: extremely, son?
Zach: Yeah.
Charlie: You wiped poop on my face?
Dan: Yeah. jazz happens, man.

Dan: If i am gonna be AN previous pop, you are gonna be Uncle Charlie. we will do that.
Charlie: We?

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009) (Teddy Roosevelt)

Larry Daley: you recognize however you were telling American state that the key to happiness was one thing on the other hand the sun came up? i believe I patterned it out. It's doing what you like.
Teddy Roosevelt: i used to be reaching to say diet and exercise, however the love thing's smart too.

Teddy Roosevelt: Some square measure born nice, others have greatness thrust upon them.

August Rush (2007) (Maxwell 'Wizard' Wallace)

Wizard: What does one wish to be within the world? I mean the complete world. What does one wish to be? shut your eyes and consider that.
August Rush: Found.
Wizard: [pauses] does not have enough principle. very little a lot of principle, ya know?
August Rush: yea

Wizard: you recognize what music is? God's very little reminder that there is one thing else besides United States of America during this universe, a harmonic association between all living beings, each wherever, even the celebrities.

Wizard: Deal's off.
August Rush: however Wizard, I actually have to play! I actually have to allow them to hear!
Wizard: [Grabs August and throws him against the fence] You play once I say play. You breathe once I say breathe! you bought that boy? You dump your parents! They were pretty fast to dump you!
Wizard: [Wizard calms down a little then continues] you are doing not skills precious your gift is. you are simply a child, you do not apprehend. I do, August

Night at the repository (2006) (Teddy Roosevelt)

Teddy Roosevelt: i am manufactured from wax, Larry. What square measure you created of?

Larry: [looks up at Dexter] Hey, Dex, so, look. No arduous feelings, all right?
Teddy Roosevelt: [Dexter slaps Larry within the forehead and Larry raises his writing board to hit him] Lawrence!
Larry: You saw - you saw what he did simply then...
Teddy Roosevelt: [interupting him] Who's evolved?
Larry: i'm.
Teddy Roosevelt: Who's evolved?
Larry: I am!

Teddy Roosevelt: Anything's posible Lawrence. If it are often unreal, it are often done. thus the twenty-foot Canis aureus staring right at you.
[Larry starts to look]
Teddy Roosevelt: do not build eye contact!

Insomnia (2002) (Walter Finch)

Finch: you are a smart man. i do know that. even though you've got forgotten it.

Finch: You and that i share a secret. we all know however straightforward it's to kill somebody. That final taboo. It does not exist outside our own minds.

Finch: [stops tape recorder] Wild Card!

Finch: [over phone] should be arduous to target this case when three days while not sleep...!

Finch: You forgot the wild card, Will.

Finch: I did not murder her. I killed her, however it simply finished up that means.

One Hour photograph (2002) (Seymour Parrish)

Sy Parrish: once people's homes square measure flaming, what is the very first thing they save when their pets and idolized ones square measure saved?
Sy Parrish: Their family photos.

Bill Owens: Sy, there is a one thousand different places wherever you'll do your photos. there isn't any reason to return all the means down aside from to fuck with American state.
Sy Parrish: there is a superb reason. I label that machine in person. it is the best mini-lab within the state.

Bill Owens: Look, Sy, I got a family. i am not losing my job over this. i am holding you go.
Sy Parrish: No. Ohhh...
Bill Owens: These log discrepancies would be enough, however you have been spacing out on the duty, taking 90-minute lunch breaks, making scenes ahead of the purchasers... gifting away free merchandise.
Sy Parrish: What?
Bill Owens: Free disposable cameras to customers on their birthday? that has to are your bright plan. certain as shit is not company policy.
Sy Parrish: you cannot do that.
Bill Owens: It's done, Sy. I talked to Sims at district. currently you round out the week and filter out your locker. And if you are doing one thing like muck up today's prints...
Sy Parrish: i have not fucked up a customer's prints in eleven years!

Sy Parrish: [voice-over following gap interrogation space scene] Family photos depict smiling faces... births, weddings, holidays, children's birthday parties. individuals take photos of the happy moments in their lives. somebody ransacking through our photograph album would conclude that we tend to had LED a joyous, leisurely existence freed from tragedy. nobody ever takes a photograph of one thing they require to forget.

Patch Adams (1998) (Patch Adams)

Hunter Patch Adams: you do not perceive, i am exploit
Dr. Titan: Hunter, if you allow my records can say AMA, you left against medical recommendation.
Hunter Patch Adams: And Mine can say IDGARA, i do not provides a rat's ass. And my name is Patch.

Hunter Patch Adams: I wished to become a doctor thus I might serve others. and since of that, I've lost everything. however I've conjointly gained everything.

Arthur Mendelson: what number fingers does one see?
Hunter Patch Adams: Four.
Arthur Mendelson: No no! Look on the far side the fingers! currently tell American state what number you see.

Hunter Patch Adams: Hi. Patch Adams.
Mitch Roman: Mitch Roman. Georgetown University. i used to be awarded the William F. Thompson Scientific action Award.
Hunter Patch Adams: Mmm. author Elementary. I once thespian an image of a rabbit that got American state 2 gold stars.

Hunter Patch Adams: Last night with Rudy, I connected to a different person. i would like a lot of of that. i would like to find out concerning individuals, facilitate them with their troubles.
Dr. Prack: that is what I do.
Hunter Patch Adams: however you suck at it.

Good can searching (1997) (Sean Maguire)

Sean: does one have a soul mate?
Will: outline that.
Sean: somebody you'll relate to, somebody World Health Organization opens things up for you.
Will: Sure, I got lots.
Sean: Well, name them.
Will: poet, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Conner...
Sean: Well that is nice. they are all dead.
Will: to not American state, they are not.
Sean: you cannot have lots of dialogue with them.
Will: Not while not a heater and a few serious preparation.

Sean: thus what does one really need to do?
Will: I wanna be a shepherd.
Sean: extremely.
Will: I wanna move up to Nashua, get a pleasant very little unfold, get some sheep and have a tendency to them.
Sean: perhaps you ought to go try this.

Lambeau: you are angry at American state for doing what you may have done; however raise yourself, Sean. raise yourself if you would like can to feel that means, if you would like him to desire a failure.
Sean: Oh, you proud shit! that is why i do not return to the goddamned reunions, 'cause i can not stand that look in your eye. Ya know, that patronising, embarrassed look. you're thinking that i am a failure. i do know World Health Organization i'm, and i am happy with what I do. i used to be a conscientious selection, I did not fuck up! And you and your cronies suppose i am some style of pity case. You and your kiss-ass chorus following you around going, "The Fields Medal! The Fields Medal!" Why square measure you continue to thus fuckin' fearful of failure?

Sean: perhaps *you're* good at once. perhaps you do not wanna ruin that. i believe that is a brilliant philosophy, Will; that means you'll undergo your entire life while not ever having to essentially apprehend anybody...
Will: ...You ever consider gettin' remarried?
Sean: My wife's dead.
Will: thus the word: remarried.
Sean: She's dead.
Will: Yeah; well, i believe that is a brilliant philosophy, Sean. I mean, that means you may really undergo the remainder of your life while not ever extremely knowing anybody.
Sean: Time's up.

Sean: place it on my tab
Tim: You ever set up on paying your tab?
Sean: Yeah, chief. I've got the winning lottery price tag right here.
Tim: what is the jackpot?
Sean: Twelve million.
Tim: i do not suppose that may cowl it.
Sean: Yeah, however it's going to cowl your modification operation!

Flubber (1997) (Professor Prince Philip Brainard)

Professor Prince Philip 'Phil' Brainard: i used to be simply gonna, you know, grade my lunch, eat a number of tests and hope for the simplest.
Martha George: [about the joy of obtaining married] however does one hold it in?
Professor Prince Philip 'Phil' Brainard: [thinking she meant waste] Well, like everyone else, Ruthie. I simply cross my legs real tight.
Martha George: [gets somewhat tickled by that answer] i used to be talking concerning your excitement.

Wilson Croft: i am not AN groundbreaker such as you, Phil. i am AN adapter, and thereto finish, I actually have profited from your concepts.
Professor Prince Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Why square measure you here?
Wilson Croft: Well, to be honest. i am here this weekend to steal your betrothed. And build her my married woman.
Professor Prince Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Well, i believe you will be sadly thwarted.

[Brainard and painter square measure visiting Hoenicker to debate the Flubber]
Chester Hoenicker: You came to repay your loan?
Phillip Brainard: No.
Chester Hoenicker: i do know you did not. i used to be simply having somewhat fun.
Phillip Brainard: i am here to sell you the Flubber.
Chester Hoenicker: You been to your house recently?
Phillip Brainard: affirmative.
Chester Hoenicker: Do i actually have to be compelled to purchase it?
Phillip Brainard: Flubber's a awfully impractical substance. it is very troublesome to handle. have you ever tried to try to to something with it?
Chester Hoenicker: My man is functioning thereon. It will not be a tangle.
Phillip Brainard: Well, I might build it lots easier for you. If you provide United States of America a thirty day extension on the loan, i will tell you everything i do know... and cause you to an excellent deal of Flubber.
Chester Hoenicker: i will offer you the thirty days, and at the moment you provide American state 2 years. no matter you return up with over consecutive 2 years is mine.
Sara Reynolds: that is not honest.
Chester Hoenicker: search in different places, lady.
Phillip Brainard: Sara. Sara. I'll do it.

Jumanji (1995) (Alan Parrish)

Sarah Whittle: Alan, please, last time I compete this game, it ruined my life.
Alan Parrish: [laughs] It ruined your life? 'In the jungle, you want to wait 'til the dice browse 5 or eight'.
Sarah Whittle: i used to be somewhat woman, Alan. You disappeared, and a bunch of nuts enclosed American state and pursued American state down the road. i used to be afraid. I'm sorry, Alan. nobody believed American state, i used to be on their own.
Alan Parrish: thus was I, for twenty six years, Sarah.

Sarah Whittle: Alan, you wrestled AN alligator on behalf of me.
Alan Parrish: it absolutely was a crocodilian. Alligators do not have that small fringe on their hind limb.
Sarah Whittle: My mistake.

Alan Parrish: Play the sport, Sarah.
Sarah Whittle: [whispering] American state, no, no, no.
Alan Parrish: alright. simply provide American state the dice, and you'll get back. you do not need to play.
Sarah Whittle: American state, thank you.
[Sarah provides Alan the dice however moves his hand creating married woman roll as Alan laughs for fun]
Sarah Whittle: [loses it] American state, my god! however might you are doing that?
Alan Parrish: it is the law of the jungle, Sarah. you will get accustomed it.
Sarah Whittle: and that i think about all the energy, I spent visualizing you as a beaming spirit.

Hunter Van Pelt: [leveling his gun at Alan] finish of the road, Sonny Jim. Game's up.
[Sarah runs into the room]
Hunter Van Pelt: begin running.
Alan Parrish: [pause] No.
Hunter Van Pelt: are not you afraid?
Alan Parrish: i am panicked. however my father says you ought to invariably face what you are fearful of.
Hunter Van Pelt: [lowering the gun; chuckling] smart lad. you are finally acting sort of a man.
[again leveling his gun]
Hunter Van Pelt: Any last words?
[Alan appearance down and notices his game piece moving to the top of the board, when that the word "Jumanji" appears]
Alan Parrish: [quietly] Jumanji.
Hunter Van Pelt: Huh?
Alan Parrish: [slightly louder] Jumanji.

Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) (Daniel & Mrs. Doubtfire)

Mrs. Doubtfire: [after being introduced to Natalie] i love that honesty, Natalie, that is a noble quality. ne'er lose that, as a result of it usually disappears with age, or coming into politics.

[at the pool]
Stu: Your day's on American state, Mrs Doubtfire. something you wish, simply placed on my tab, okay?
Mrs. Doubtfire: American state, thank you, dear.
[Stu leaves]
Mrs. Doubtfire: bit American state once more, and i will drown you, you bastard.

Lou: Daniel, that line wasn't within the script. Why did you add it?
Daniel: Well, i assumed I ought to discuss matters.
Lou: What situation?
Daniel: the actual fact that dumpy the Parrot features a cigaret shoved into his mouth is virtuously irresponsible!
Lou: this is often a cartoon, okay? this is often not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special.
Daniel: Lou, voluminous children see this cartoon, it's like causing each of them a pack of cigarettes and speech "light up."

Daniel: [Wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you're victimisation Jungle Red, as a result of that's the sole color i really like.
Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.
Daniel: God bless you. you recognize i am feeling fabulous, as a result of I met this stunning Cuban. nightly is just like the Bay of Pigs.
Jack: Mmmhmm.
Daniel: i can not misinform you. It's stunning with him.
Jack: Mmm...
Daniel: i do not apprehend. this may scare the youngsters. does one suppose so? i do not apprehend, perhaps this is often an excessive amount of for them?
Frank: i believe we'll need to attend consecutive level: latex.

Daniel: Well, let's take somewhat vacation at the side of the youngsters, and obtain you far from work. you are a completely different person. you actually square measure. you are nice.
Miranda: American state, Daniel, our issues would be anticipating United States of America right here once we came.
Daniel: Well, we'll move. That means our issues will not follow United States of America.
Miranda: Daniel, please do not joke. We're way apart. We're completely different. we've got nothing in common.
Daniel: certain we tend to do. we tend to love one another. Come on, Miranda, we tend to love one another... Don't we?
Miranda: i would like a divorce.

Mrs. Doubtfire: are you able to facilitate American state with one thing, I found this outside.
[holds up Mercedes hood ornament]
Stu: Uh, yes, this is often off my, uh, Mercedes.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that massive costly automobile out there? American state, dear. Well, they are saying a person World Health Organization should purchase a giant automobile like that's making an attempt to catch up on smaller genitalia.

Miranda: greeting, square measure you career in response to the ad?
Daniel: Uh-huh
Miranda: Tell American state, World Health Organization was your previous employer?
Daniel: i used to be in an exceedingly band, 'Severe Tire Damage'.
Miranda: in an exceedingly band?
Daniel: I simply wish to grasp one issue. square measure your children well-behaved? Or do they have like, a number of lightweight slams each currently and then?
Miranda: Umm, i will need to come back to to you.
Daniel: Wow!

Mork & Mindy (1978-1982) (Mork)

Mork: Nanu-Nanu!

Mork: Shazbot!

Mork: If Holly liked him most, why she punched him and told him he was weird.
Mindy McConnell: Boys and ladies usually punch or push or hit one another as a proof of heart.
Mork: Punching and pushing and career somebody names means that you wish them?
Mindy McConnell: yea, it can.
Mork: Then the cowboys and Indians square measure lovers?

Mindy McConnell: Mork, why square measure you building a tower of Cheerios?
Mork: as a result of it's arduous to stack oatmeal.

Mork: [excited] Wait a moment, I've have to be compelled to show you one thing. I've already picked out my bumper sticker.
[runs into bedchamber and returns with a full automobile bumper]
Todd Norman Taylor aka TNT: [reading the sticker] "Aliens build higher lovers".
Mork: and appearance at this one here. "Horn if you are a honky".